Since the beginning of the month, I've been feeling worse and worse each day. I attribute most of it to a faith-challenging event (that's been somewhat resolved) and struggles in my Anatomy & Physiology course. Long story short, that class has driven me straight into the ground and, though I enjoy the material, I've failed when it comes to taking quizzes and exams because I "didn't study the right way" - the prof says.
All that to say, I've tried many methods in just the last two or so weeks to "brighten things up" or make myself happy. Granted, I'm usually quite pessimistic, but in this case, i can't do anything to encourage myself. Most everyday, after I've studied endlessly for this class, I go home frustrated and irritated. Each day it seems worse. Even turning to God, praying, trying to worship, being around Christians, having God-conversations, having regular conversations, etc. aren't enough to make me feel valued.
So what do you do when no matter what you do, you're depressed? When you don't want to do anything - not even talk to God - how can you be encouraged? After you failed at everything you promised yourself you'd be good at, what causes you to find value still in yourself? The Bible says that God values us, not on our actions, but because he wants to, because he created us for his joy. We are his children. I am saved! That should be enough to encourage me, but it's not. Joyce Meyers preaches a Mind over Matter type living that I think is ludicrous. Of course, that might just be because I can't do it. Thinking positively just feels unnatural during these times because I'm ignoring my true feelings, which should be dealt with. But how do you deal with them in a healthy manner when nothing "Godly" seems to work?
Does God sometimes just abandon us to our problems to teach us a lesson? He may know that it won't break my faith, so he lets me suffer to teach me humility - is that it? funny how life can throw curve balls just when you think you're safe. What keeps a person in control? Why can't some people be self-controlled? What do we make of these things that seem out of control? Where is God in that?
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What was the faith-challenging event?
Listen - it is only in complete failure and utter darkness that you'll truly see God. And for those who are led by the Spirit, we must recall that Christ himself was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, left alone by God to be confronted by all the temptations of man, which made Christ know how weak He was.
Fail. Fall apart. Sink in to the darkest depths. God is sovereign over our failures. For when I am weak, I am strong, says Paul. To deny weakness and "think positively" is to hide from our own weakness, and this is one of the greatest of delusions.
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